NINJA!

There is one type of human that can do special things. They're almost not human. They're more like... NINJAS! In fact, they are NINJAS!!

A NINJA blends in with the night smacking innocent victims with they're "nunchucks," (dynamite on a chain,) and knocking out evil emperor's. They train with the Sensei, slowly working up to that rare rank that can wear a mask. A NINJA is usually identified by they're black mask and dark clothes, and since most can't wear them, you don't usually see a NINJA walking around town.

One of a NINJA's favorite fatal weapons is their NINJA Star! They use they're excellent origami skills to fold a single sheet of paper into a shining, pointed weapon! With one easy throw, a NINJA can knock out a dangerous, powerful person!

A NINJA can sneak through the night with nobody noticing or suspecting. They can alter nature to bend to their will, and use ancient magic to slip past guards.

A NINJA might use a sai or a katana as a mirror to look at itself. They need to make sure that nobody can see them, or the whole NINJA-ness effect goes away. When looking at they're reflection, a NINJA can see how invisible they are. If they can see a general outline of themselves, they aren't NINJA enough and they get fired and they become a poor Japanese merchant. If they can't see themselves, but they remember they are there, they get ranked down to a floor-mop, or sometimes a squirrel tail! If they can't see themselves in the reflection, and they forget they are even there, they also can't remember what they're doing and just decide to continue with the mission. Later they will remember they need to check they're NINJA level, not knowing they already did. This way, they keep a constant NINJA attitude in their souls, where the NINJA power comes from!

NINJAS have to keep a strict diet if they wish to keep they're NINJA power. They must only eat sugar-cookies, and only drink Coke. They need to stay hyper, or they won't be able to make they're super jumps and whatnot! After being dubbed by their area's Head NINJA, they gain their powers. One of their powers allows them to change form, for multiple reasons: one of which is to avoid getting fat from their diet.

After learning from experience, NINJAS dominate!

Santa Claus on Christmas

Christmas is that one time of year when children all over the world are flooded with gifts from Santa. It's a time that we come together with family and be grateful for everything, especially candy. Some people will call Christmas "Xmas," but that's mostly because some people just can't spell. In the end, there's still the family and symbols of Christmas which make Christmas what it is.

Santa Claus, who lives at the North Pole, delivers gifts to all the Children of the world. Sometimes, coincidently, a "Free Dinner for Two," might end up under the tree with the parent's names on it, but the parents don't understand that the present was never meant for them. The child should get the free dinner for two. Besides, a growing boy or girl can eat two meals at once anyway.

To even be able to deliver gifts around the world, Santa needs a sleigh! He orders his vehicle on eBay, and it ships from Christmas Sleighs for an Unspecific Individual, Inc. in Canada! Since it's so close, it ships right then, and the magic gets it to the North Pole in just a few seconds!

On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Claus sends Santa on his epic journey that he makes every year, but makes sure he's got a plate of cookies so he doesn't get hungry on his way! What Mrs. Claus doesn't know is that lots of other people leave cookies and milk out for him when he delivers their gifts. Santa eats all the cookies except for Mrs. Claus. She doesn't know that though, because after Santa finished his job, he flies home yelling, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" which is a distraction while he dumps the cookies overboard. He eats too many of those at home.

As Santa visits each house he jumps down their chimney. If they don't have a chimney, he makes one! After all, he's got magic! He squeezes down the brick, wishing he'd gone on a diet because he can't fit, and he lands in the fireplace! Sometimes robbers try to get into houses on Christmas to steal valuables by impersonating Santa and jumping down their chimney, so most people light their fireplace on Christmas Eve so that doesn't happen. The real Santa can still get in because he has fire retardant pants.

As Mr. Claus dumps presents out of his magical bag and arranges them under the trees, he needs to fill the stockings! He opens the socks and puts candy in them. In some countries, the population finds it strange to receive toys from their socks, so they set out their shoes! Too bad a laptop can't fit in a shoe; Santa just keeps those for himself.

After Christmas Eve, Santa Claus flies home with his reindeer. He usually is running late, and he can't have the children wake up to see him! He threatens to turn Rudolph into jerky unless he can make them go faster, and that suddenly makes them disappear into thin, not to mention cold, air. In the morning, nobody sees Santa Claus, but they always love what he left them!

Mrs. Claus and Santa Claus are the first ones to celebrate Christmas, then the whole world follows, and everyone is friendly—except for those robbers who find themselves burning in a fireplace like the Big, Bad Wolf. Other than them, everybody is happy on Christmas. If you have a fireplace burning on Christmas Eve this year, you might smell smoked turkey in the morning! It will complete the holiday.

Sports

Sports are fun! At least most are! Unless you're an elephant. Then you should avoid sports with your life. Some fun sports are bowling, the luge, and goat dancing! But if you want to attempt a sport you need to be properly equipped! Goat dancers always keep an extra pair of overalls with them just in case! Most sports you need something! Basketball needs basketballs! Football needs footballs. Soccer needs soccer balls!

The only sport that doesn't need anything is competitive Being-Bored... all you do is go and do nothing. It is the worlds hardest, and most dangerous sport! Many have tried and failed! Here's a quick list of famous people who've tried!

Manny Ramirez

Brett Favre

Harry Potter

Steve from apartment 6D

Charlie the Unicorn

And.....

Scarlet Johansson!

Sports are like, and compared to, chasing a butterfly. One day you see it, the next day it has flown to Alabama. You buy a lacrosse stick to catch the ball, A.K.A. the butterfly, and everyone cheers as you go after it, specifically your mom. Then you catch it! Or at least you think you did. When you take off the net, you look to find that you really only caught a few flying seeds to a rare weed that scientists of all sorts have been trying to nail for years (Disclaimer: By "scientists," I mean people of no specific type who like to study no specific type of thing, read classic books, and pretend that they are just housewives making dinner for the neighborhood party. By "nail," I mean literally nail the weed to the orange wall in someone's garage for them to find and deal with, because nobody likes a weed taking over their backyard!)

To play sports, you need to be big and strong! You've got to eat your greens, mushrooms (not so greens,) and chocolate! Chocolate has the power to start you up and get you rolling! It makes you hyper and starts making you run around, which really makes you stronger! Eat your chocolate kids.

As you can see, America is a sporty place. To take the slogan of a company that we are not obliged to use, "America runs on sports."

Randum Fact: The Internet has saved over .3 lives! And that includes George Clooney!

Waves

A wave happens to be quite a few things! A wave could be something swimming in the air above water, but still connected. It could be a nifty hand motion which loves to greet others, or if not, just a nifty hand motion. Also, a wave is an invisible buzz that annoys the brain juices out of you while you're sleeping.

At the beach, you swim your surf board into the ocean, then hope a wave comes. When you stand on the board, you spot your best friend on the shore. He waves to you, signaling that it's okay to start because he's ready to dash to Northern South Dakota before you crash. His wave glides across the sea toward you, and you are participating in the sport you've always participated in!

The Wicked Witch of the Dust Pan (Dust Pan meaning The Secret Lab in Your Basement that Nobody Knows About,) uses the power of the Wave to attack her enemies! She vibrates her hand with the special hand massage machine that she set on high-power. It's so powerful that it waves her hand into magic, just like churning butter with a vibrating phone! The magic causes people to do the wave around every stadium in the world, causing major uproars of commotion, buying television remotes, and yelling. The moon dives down toward the Earth, making bigger waves, and then we all realize that it's just New Year's Eve in New York.

A wave can turn invisible, transforming it's visibility into annoying buzzing energy waves. A fire alarm will do this same thing. It uses it's hand-massaging powers to convert smoke into electricity for the alarm to change it's green light to red. Then it triggers a siren to alarm everybody enough to run screaming into the middle of the road. After that, Eugene, the Taenormak flies over the city inside his spacecraft, a shooting star. You can't see him because he doesn't want you to see him.

Just like most everything in the world, waves have power of all sorts. Waves even have metaphoric electricity, but you can just figure that out on your own.

Randum Donut: Glazed, cream-filled, rainbow sprinkles.

Pets

Have you ever had a pet? Have you ever had the need to buy a pet? Are you emotionally attached to a pet? Does your pet like to eat mustard? Does your pet do unnatural things? Are you sure?

Lots of people that have pets have dogs, cats, fish, llamas, giraffes, orange peels, or rocks. Sometimes they even have feet! Most people that have dogs or cats are good people, unless they use them for evil. You could train a big dog to eat people for you, or train a black cat to take a morning stroll on Friday the 13th. You can make bad things happen with pets like these.

Fish can't be trusted. They could live for a year, then die. You could feed them the good stuff, bacon bits, and they could pretend to like it! After you feed them enough though, and they can stand about 6 months worth of bacon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, they begin to grow a fat head... next thing you know they die. Sometimes fish just hate you so bad for locking them up in a bowl, that they run away during school! Sometimes fish can run away like Nemo did, kinda, or your mom will just tell you that the fish ran away, and she doesn't know where it is! She thinks it's taking a long vacation in Alabama for it's birthday without your permission, but she couldn't be sure. Next thing you know it, you're on a plane for Alabama!

If you have a llama as a pet, be careful because it may spit in your eye. Some hippies down the road have a llama, and they're making you jealous with it! They like to ride it, backwards, then film commercials on it. Then some company for "smelly lotion" ripped them off with a horse instead of a llama.

They ride down the road making you jealous with their pet, that's what people do with pets! Then there's the giraffe down the other side of the street, but that's a different story...\

Randum Story:
Once there was a llama. His name is Llarry. He is happy.
Then he was shot. Now he is sad. He is dead.
Now he lives in Qutar with his hippie who does yoga! The hippie's favorite position is the flying elephant.
Now Llarry is happy.
The End

Randum News: We got a new writer for Randum Jonny! The new writer wishes to be named Ethan the Moose , although he's really just Randum Jonny #2!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is commonly called Turkey Day. Why is that? It's because Thanksgiving is the day that every American is jealous of how famous all the turkeys suddenly are for a day. Why can't humans get that kind of popularity so fast? No one wants to eat you, so it's a little harder. Justin Bieber used to be a turkey, but then he met a magical sorcerer on Thanksgiving who found a loophole for Justin. This wizard was Usher, who taught Justin how to wear jewels, colorful watches, and hair covering all of his head except for his eyes. Ninja!

Thanksgiving is the day that you can stuff yourself with the foods that you WANT to eat! There's turkey, rolls, fruit, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry jelly, and PIES! You can eat as much as you want because there's so much food that it will never run out!

Thanksgiving started when pilgrims sailed across the treacherous sea to settle in "New England." They began new lives on the new continent, and they finally got through the winter. They built homes, met Indians, grew corn, and most importantly, some of them survived! In celebration, they had a big party with quarter-ton helium balloons shaped like Santa Claus. Then they lost their balloon, so they were only able to have a big dinner and play the Charlie Brown theme song with the Indians.

One of the other fun parts of Thanksgiving is that you get to travel, or your family and friends travel to you so you don't have to spend the time being carsick. They come all that way to make you pies that you can stuff yourself with until they run out, usually about a week.

Sometimes, people will stuff a Jack-in-the-Box into some of the food. You dig your fork into the turkey, which turns the crank just enough that a boy springs out of your food! You scream, "AAAH!" The plastic boy looks right at you and screams, "AAAH!" Then the boy eats your pie. After that, you eat him.

After Thanksgiving is Black Friday, when everyone goes crazy at 4:00 in the morning to go shopping. The prices of everything go ridiculously low, and everyone wants to buy everything that they don't need before anyone else buys it.

Right after the holiday craziness, everyone sleeps through the whole weekend. The people try to finish off the leftover food, and Thanksgiving lasts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a few more days.

Randum Truth: Pickle trees are actually cucumber trees which scientists have taken into their secret labs and drowned in vinegar. Sadly, the scientists have used this ability for their own, selfish use and sold these pickles in jars for everyone to buy and eat. They make the scientists rich, but there is hope: Wal-Mart! Wal-Mart broke into these secret lab, (if the cops ask, they did no such thing,) and they started to sell the pickles for The Peoples' sake. Soon, other companies did the same, so now we have pickles! (Some say that pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil, but really, they are grown on cucumber trees which are soaked in evil.)

Plastic

Plastic makes the world a better place. From plastic bottles, to plastic toys, to plastic tools, to plastic awesomeness, to plastic cafeteria food, there's plastic everywhere!

If we didn't have plastic, we would be living in a much more expensive world, where everything is expensive! Thanks to plastic, we don't have to cover everything in gold. King Tut lived in a world where plastic wasn't invented yet. That's sad for King Tut, because everything in he world was made of gold instead of plastic!

Down in Plasticland, people live in a world they've never lived in before. Some people escape from the world of old people, and they find themselves in Plasticland, where everything is orange and made of plastic. The purple section of Plasticland, of course, is still orange. Orange is the way of plastic, and awesomeness, yet it's no where near as awesome as blue in it's awesomeness.

Plastic didn't always exist. In fact, it wasn't ever supposed to happen. Some clumsy kid was just tired of dropping glass bottles on his feet and slicing off his toes, that he couldn't afford to lose his last toe, the second one from the left of his right foot. He got into his great-uncles blacksmith shop, and welded together a frog and his old toe. Then, when the fire attempted to punish him for creating plastic, he found a loophole! He froze the fire, and the fire wasn't expecting that. Now, if you find the right blacksmith shop, you can see the ancient frozen fire which looks like hair and attempted to stop the invention of plastic.

All those scientists say that Antarctica is just a big continent made out of ice, but I disagree. Antarctica is just a big continent made out of plastic. That's why penguins are attracted to the place, and they chose to fly their plastic helicopter toys to that area.

Plastic seems to overcome mice, just like on plastic mouse traps. Most mouse traps aren't made out of plastic, but the few that are have captured every mouse and sent it directly to the North Pole. There, they get so swollen that they look like elves, and Santa uses them to make presents to give away to every child in the world!

Plastic can even make bumper stickers to go on your cars which are partially made of plastic! They could say "I love MOM," "Darkness Dominates," or "I wear my Darth Vader mask in the shower!" So plastic has the option of getting lots of messages across the bridge to other people on their own island where they are taking a vacation. Did I mention that some were having a barbecue?

So plastic makes up this world, everything from lame to awesome, and awesome to AAAAAH, NO WAY, NO WAY!!! Then it can plummet back toward the Earth at an unearthly speed to get buried in someone's recycle bin. Then it gets taken to the recycling area to go through the recycling routine. Then your plastic computer mouse gets turned into a pointless fast food kid's meal toy. Still, plastic can do stuff.

Randum Thought: Lord Voldemort, we can't say his name and he can't brush his teeth.

Taxis

Do you live in a big city? Is the city big enough that you can call a taxi anywhere you are? Do you wish you wish you did? The experience is delicious, smelly, and tragic.

You get in the taxi, and someone has stuck gum in the window. Someone had stretched it across the whole window, and then the taxi driver tried to clean it up. You could see that in the process of cleaning it, someone demanded a ride, so he had to get back into his driver's seat pretending that nothing had happened. If somebody asked, he would tell them, "I was lazy, and I napped. Don't tell anyone, please!" That would get the driver out of trouble; it's called a decoy.

Other than the gum, the occasional flies, and maybe a little jealousy, the taxi is pretty well kept! If it wasn't, then the taxi company would fine them and make them generously buy a whole new car. Of course, the driver would "choose to willingly pay it generously" just to make the company happy.

Taxi drivers don't get much of a break. They get about 2 hours and 37 minutes to sleep every night, so the drivers have to make their own breaks and hope that nobody finds out. Since people are always under the influence that any empty taxi driving around can give them a ride, they call any taxi and EVERY taxi. First, they realize they need to get somewhere. Then they realize that they never bought a car. After that, they run outside to call a taxi. They look closely into the back windows of every taxi, and when nobody is in it, they'll call the taxi. If they taxi doesn't pull over, they'll record the license plate and call the cops.

The taxi driver can always deny that they didn't stop, or maybe say that they didn't see the person. Most of the time it doesn't work, and the drivers are driving on thin ice anyway. They almost have no choice but to pull over for the customer. The passenger tells the driver where they want to go, and a light turns on inside the head of the driver. There's a coffee shop along that rode, the taxi driver remembers, The passenger won't mind if I stop there for just a minute.

The taxi driver says, "Coming right up! Just relax, and go to sleep while we drive." Then he stops to get a donut, but coffee shops have special donuts for their best customers. The taxi drivers get taxi-shaped donuts! Then the driver is satisfied and feels appreciated. After that he can drive the passenger to the destination, so they are happy too, and everything works out perfectly in the land of taxis!

Randum Bacon

From the original Randum™ company comes Randum Toast™, with it’s delicious new breakfast cereal, Randum Bacon®! We specially slaughter our finest pigs to turn into delightful bacon bits! And for those vegetarians, this cereal is ‘made out of red lettuce!’

Do you ever hate dislike (hate is a strong word, you shan’t use it,) your parents for not allowing you to eat sugary cereals for breakfast? Studies show that 12.53% – 98.47% of all parents do not permit enjoyable breakfasts in their homes. This is the solution! We replace the sugar in your average cereals with grease, causing the meal to turn into bacon. This is no average bacon though. This is the only bacon that has the physical capability of getting crammed into the bowl of the spoon from the bowl of the soup bowl where your bacon originally laid. This bacon is also the only bacon which you can pour milk into, while all surrounding adults jealously stare!

“We guarantee your cereal to be delightful in that savory extraordinary kind of way, or we’ll give you your money back!” This is Guatamexican for “We guarantee your cereal to be delightful in that savory extraordinary kind of way, or we’ll keep your money and pretend that the money got lost on its way back in the unreliable mail system which we use!”

Randum Bacon enables the impossible! With one serving of this remarkable food, the fat lady could sing! The sidewalk grew a toenail! The child listened to classical music! The pig flew . . . as the butcher demonstrated his mid-air slicing skills, then packaged the meat and shipped it to the market. (That’s why “This little piggy went to market.”)

We strongly encourage you to try a bowl of this cereal to become strong instantly! You’ll likely want more, but don’t mathematically find the chances, they might not be great. “Eat awesomer, live awesomer.” And each box comes with its own rubber bacon toy, so why wouldn’t you purchase this cereal? Go ahead, try it. Now. Right now.

Sticky notes. They stick. They're on walls. They're on doors. They're on bulletin boards, speared with pins. They're on televisions. They appear on your desk. They find their way to your pillow. They're in your pillow. There's one on your face. Kinda above your nose, but not.

Halloween

Halloween is the one day of the year that people from around the world will open their door to you so you can beg for candy, then they give it to you! You can do it other days, but most beings in their homes will find you annoying. Halloween is also the day to scare other out of their socks, hair, and bellybuttons. It's the day to display your burning pumpkins, which glow in unbearable ways. It's the day to hang spiderwebs, and have fun in crazy ways!

Most people look forward to Halloween for the candy! As the darkness of Halloween night approaches, children of all ages set off on their epic journey to gather fuel for the year! Internationally, doorbells are rang, followed by billions of kids demanding candy; it's great fun! By the end of the night, each child has a full bag of treats to snack on, although most of the time it will only last until the end of the week, end of the month if their lucky.

Some people have costume parties on Halloween! Everyone dresses up in their chosen costume, then contests are judged, prizes are won, food is eaten, and everyone has great fun! Parties are the perfect place to scare people! Either something huge happens to the whole group, someone gets startled in the middle of everyone else, or when somebody leaves the main party into any private room, the ultimate scare is set up to get everyone freaked out! But the best part is that your friends are there to have fun with you!

Lots of people will carve Jack-O-Lanterns for Halloween! Each person picks a pumpkin, or sometimes trucks full of pumpkins! The design is drawn, then the knife is set up! After the top of the pumpkin gets cut off, guts drip out of the fruit! The gross insides get turned into devine desserts and snacks! But then the knife gets it's mischievous look again. A creepy face is carved into the pumpkin. Eyes, a nose, a mouth, and other facial features appear on or out of the orange skin! A candle is placed inside the Jack-O-Lantern, then is lit, causing the face to glow eerily. Who knew that an ordinary pumpkin could be transformed into the scary sculpture sitting on your front porch?

Most everybody decorates for Halloween! There are those people who think they never do get to decorate, but there's always something that's been set out for the specific time of year! Some will transform their home with cute, little decorations everywhere. Others will horrify guests by setting up ghosts and ghouls! Spiderwebs lurk in every corner, while a black cat sneaks around. Your guests will think they saw things, heard things, and they'll run from your home in terror! But this is all normal, it happens all the time! No one gets harmed in any way, unless they trip on their way out, but that would be their fault!

Halloween is when the witches come out, and set enchantments on the area. It's when the dead come alive to haunt you. It's when candy is willingly given. It's when everyone expects an attack, but then everyone turns out fine the next day! It's all just fun!

Randum Advice: A power-plant... it looks like an onion, but wires shoot out from everywhere, shocking everything in their path! Don't get near one, unless you have to. It's likely to turn against you. Just keep that in mind.

The Farm

Once upon a time, in a land under the mountains and moon, there was a farm. While it was under the moon, all the animals were asleep. All except for the nocturnal animals, the ones who were imported from Beijing, so their not used to our schedule.

As the sun comes up, over the farm, the rooster crows. That makes the farmer mad, who yells at the chicken and wakes up the rest of the farm. After that it's just chaos in the farm! the cow moos and stops producing milk. The pig finds out he's going to be breakfast. The porcupine leaves quills on the trail. The chickens stop laying eggs (after the rats got into their grain.) The farmer's favorite radio station doesn't even play in the morning!

After the farm goes back to normal, the birds sing their songs, and everyone and everything starts working. On the farm, the humans have jobs they choose from every day. Sometimes they have to do the cow plow, chicken flickin', herd the birds, keep the sheep, dig for pigs, feed rats to the cats, or make the snake cake!

It's not just animals on the farm. There's also fruit and vegetables that need to be kept. The farmers have to grow the plants and maintain them. They need to pick the food and sell them to other people (mostly vegetarians.) It's hard work! But even with the farmers, the plants wouldn't have a chance without the animals. Cows play a large role in growing the produce. The have to provide compost to make the soil healthy and easier for plants to live in! Then the pigs roll in it, and everything comes to snack on the mud on the pig. It's the food chain!

The farm is where old people that don't like modern day technology work (unless it is a totally decked out farm.) The End.

If you ever see a kinkajou on your front porch, it probably wants to come inside. Remember, all animals are living beings! But even if it gives you those loving eyes, it could probably tear up your whole home looking for food. Although, it came from somewhere in South America, so it's got it's own stash of food somewhere. It would not be unwise to not let it not go nowhere near.

Chickens

Many know that chickens exist on Earth. What they don't know is that they're everywhere else doing everything else. Chickens are in outer space, using unicycles as their main method of transportation! When they bet and lose their unicycles to evil space spider-monkeys, they have no other option but to fly. (When they aren't on Earth, their legs turn to carrots, so they have to protect their legs.)

In Outer Space and every other planet/star/everything else, chickens are some of the most intelligent beings. Lots of aliens, except most humans, worship chickens as their idols. As soon as the chickens put on those leather jackets and skinny jeans to hid their carrots, they become heroes for children all over the universe!

Chickens defend the universe. They defend the universe from other universes. With the discovery of inter-dimensional travel, our universe needs protection. Unwelcome "guests" come to harvest carrots and golden eggs from chickens. They steal power from our main stars. They collect DNA from life-forms for their servant-clones. They use their newfound discovery for controlling black holes to suck matter from our universe.

One of the main tools the Chickens use are calculators. Inter-dimensional visitors despise numbers, especially complicated Calculus problems! The calculators send unsolved equations through electromagnetic waves and infrared beams toward the enemies, which instantly makes them retreat!

A chicken's weak point is it's carrots, but absolutely not it's head! When you cut off a chicken's head, it will be just normal, and it can grow back it's head! If you cut off or eat the chicken's carrots, the chicken instantly loses so much wisdom that it dies a horrible, brainless death. Plus, it can't ride a unicycle. And that's the chicken's fate. Otherwise it's immortal.

And there's your happy thought of the day!

Randum Fact: Breakfast syrup comes from blueberry vines and strawberry bushes. That's how we get flavored syrup! Then there's also the boring, but still good, Maple Syrup that grows in acorns from wheat fields.

Signs

Signs are everywhere, telling you what to do or not do! They could say "No crossing," or "Children Crossing!" They could tell you to stop, what the speed limit is, or just to keep driving as long as you're not drunk. They could tell you to "Eat Here NOW," or even "Come visit me, please?" Signs come in varieties and can get very... odd, to put it lightly.

When you drive past a school, there could be a sign telling you "School Zone, In case you didn't know." Sometimes there's a sign with people carrying briefcases, which is completely irrelevant since nobody carries those around anymore, especially school aged kids. On the other hand, sometimes the signs across the street from a schoolyard can be relevant! Sometimes they say "SLOW children at play!"

When you travel on the freeway, the billboards line the sides. They convince you to buy they're product, and just about everything else. Some tell you "Free massage, visit our building now!" By "details," they mean "It's free if you pay for it, or if you pay triple on this expensive taco."

While traveling long distances in your car, you may need to stop every once in a while in a deserted place. Desperate business owners in the middle of nowhere place signs along the road to notify you of their rest stop. These say "Only donut shop and bathroom within 150 miles," which would be lying because another person is trying the same thing a few miles away, and they are both sabotage each other's signs. That means that sign making is a good business since that's where the competition is!

Even when you go hiking there are signs along the trail. They tell you to look out for snakes, falling rocks, giant balls of snow rolling down the trail, somehow staying on it, with heads of all kinds of people and animals sticking out the sides. Most of the time, signs warn you of something, especially signs saying "yield," "speed limit," "dead end: turn back now," "STOP," "don't hit the pedestrians," "monster cave, do NOT enter," "uncontrollable trains crossing!" There are some signs that you must be extra careful to watch out for: "Sweaty Men at Work," "Share the road... with Casper," "Oncoming traffic: May be directed to drive in circles for hours until I say stop,""Sheep Patrol Roads Ahead," and "Caution: Papercuts!"

The most tragic signs can be found anywhere: on the road, at the playground, in the house, on the internet, on TV, and even your cousin's garden! They say things like "No football field for 300 miles," "No internet connectivity while near," "Television not accepted within these doors," or "No electric lights, only candles accepted!"

Most signs only cause problems and make you miserable. You should avoid signs at all costs, except for if it's not possible to not read a sign. If you do manage to stay away from them, you probably won't get in trouble with any government with your area! ...unless you do something bad, because most bad things aren't mentioned in signs. But on the other hand, some signs are good, and so are rules. So stay in school kids.

You know how a few million years ago, people used broomsticks to get around? It's not that way anymore. Year after year, transportation has changed. It came from broomsticks, to flying, to jumping, to walking, and more walking, then more walking, and bicycles, then trains, then cars, then buses, then even airplanes! After all this time, the human population has found better, permanent ways. We have evolved to the use of Rollerblades! They're fast, fun, and after a while, they won't hurt your ankles anymore!

Listen to the new Randum Radio on the right side of these Randum Jonny posts!

Porkunkillo

The magical island of Porkunkillo is where Skunks, Armadillos, and Porcupines originally came from. When some viking named Jeffrey sailed away from his clan one April evening at 10:26 PM, he found himself lost! Jeffrey wasn't a very intelligent viking, but he just kept sailing and sailing. He was on the water for many uncountable days and nights, but he was a viking, he liked it!

Then Jeffrey found land! It was a small island, but it was almost a vacation spot, you know, if somebody added a gift shop and free smoothies. Then he found the down side. Porkunkillo was infested with Armadillos, Porcupines, and Skunks.

When Jeffrey realized the creatures were there he raced to his ship, The Fairy Bubble, and fled the island. Unfortunately, the animals crept onto the ship as he docked the boat. They forever followed him around the world, visiting just about everywhere while searching for his clan again. Each time Jeffrey found a new continent, the monsters crawled off the boat and onto the new land. The animals grew their populations around the world, and now we have them everywhere.

While they were on the boat, Jeffrey attempted to exterminate them by not feeding them. Some died on board, but others survived by eating each other. They all had their ways of survival, but after months on the vessel, they learned when and where they were weak. In the process, their DNA mixed. This created the unwanted raccoon!

Jeffrey doesn't exist in this time, but we remember him for unfortunately bringing Porcupines, Skunks, Armadillos, and Raccoons all over the world.

Have you ever realized how much the word "walrus" sounds like it could be a type of nut? I'm pretty sure that walruses used to be nuts, but then they grew tusks. After that, they climate they lived in was so cold that they grew fat and hair. Then the nut was so big and had so many animal-like qualities that it grew other animal-like parts, and developed senses. By then it didn't grow in a shell anymore, and it was an animal of it's own. This took millions of years, but it happened!

Why?

Why? It's a good question. It can be asked in many ways. From "Why do I have to wear this," to "Why did you leave all this crap on my porch," "Why," is asked by everyone everywhere, all the time!

Why am I writing this post? I'm writing it because it's fun and I like it and I need to do it and I have nothing better to do and it's Randum!

"Why," can be asked in many questions. Why does a pelican have wings? Why does fire glow? Why can a pencil write? Why doesn't a pencil write on it's own? Why can't your teacher do you homework? All these could be answered with "It's fun!" If anyone asks you a "Why" question, answer with "It's fun," because sometimes it really is, and you'll need an answer sooner or later!

"Why" is the question you ask when you don't understand the reason for Canadian Currency, or a cop lurking around the corner eating M&M's and Skittles, deciding which is best. While you were young, it would bug the crap out of your parents, and they'd get so annoyed that they didn't know what to do with you.

The question can ask for almost every answer, and can be very useful! The problem is that if you use it too much it will be worthless. So when you wonder about something, ask the ruler of Japan. Why ask him? Because it's fun.

Randum Advice: If anyone ever tells you that Kool-Aid isn't healthy for you because it's just water, sugar, and artificial flavorings, make sure to point out that they said "water" because everyone and everything needs water to survive.

Why is the ruler of Japan below? Because it's fun.

Randum T-Shirts!

Do you ever wake up in the morning, and realize in panic that you have nothing to wear? Let's pretend you did one time. Then you remembered that you ordered a Randum T-Shirt! You ran to your front door, and right behind it was the shirt! You quickly remove the shirt from the packaging then you wear it. You are still outside because you were too excited to bring it all the way inside. But then you decided it would be awkward to change outside. So you came inside. Then you walked toward the bathroom. When you were too excited to walk all the way across the house, you dashed into the closest room, the garage.

When all your shirts have turned gray and boring within a day of yesterday, customize a Randum T-Shirt, and make it as colorful as a colorful dream! ...even if your dreams really are never colorful. But this will fix anything anyway!

Next thing anyone knows, you come out of the garage with a stylish t-shirt! You were really the only one who knew anything yet because, A, you had just came out of your garage so no one had seen you yet. And B, you kept the t-shirt a surprise because you wanted it to be new and exciting when you wore it around all day, and walked your super-cool heroic walk.

Just like you thought, everyone was jealous. You bought another super-cool t-shirt, and it was awesome. You're the new Jason Mraz. You're so cool that every second of the day you have someone willingly give you a massage. You rule the soda fountain. You own the soda fountain. You changed it to a big, as in very large, swimming pool. This shirt is the key to ruling the soda fountain.

These shirts aren't normal shirts. These shirts grab people's attention, especially if it says "This shirt grabbed your attention." They make you look bold, like an important person, because if your wearing a Randum shirt you are an important person. They make you feel like a polar bear eating corn because polar bears don't eat corn. They make you stand out and look unique. They say "DIAMOND," because "unique" sounds a little like "DIAMOND!"

You know when the world comes crashing down on you and nothing is going right, but then you eat some of your favorite ice cream and everything is better? Randum T-Shirts are like that! Except for the fact that you can't eat a t-shirt, but that isn't actually a fact even though I said it was since it depends on the person and the shirt.

If all your other shirts are gray and boring within twenty-four hours of yesterday, and you need something new and colorful, a Randum T-Shirt would make everything better! Luckily, Randum T-Shirts are on sale! And they start at just $8! Then you customize it and all that, and it's still cheap! You could even put your name on it! Visit The Randum T-Shirt Page for datails.

Order your shirt now!

Fruit

Fruit is the enemy of candy. Most people go for the candy, but good, healthy people eat fruit. You should eat fruit, but candy tastes so much better! ...Even when it could eventually make you sick (keyword: "eventually.")

If a fruit can convince a person to eat it, it will bring health and good luck to you! Although if there's a Jolley Rancher next to the fruit, most people will eat the Jolley Rancher because it lies and cheats on the person, but it's still so tasty!

You know when you climb a tree, and you get that feeling that you're climbing a tree? It's the same kind of feeling when you climb a fruit tree, as long as it's a good enough fruit tree that you can climb it. If it's a wimpy fruit tree, then when you climb it you probably get the sensation of falling, hitting the ground, and breaking your face.

Fruit grows on trees, bushes, vines, and other plants. A long, long time ago when people got hungry, fruit would just pop up on a tree like the Every-Fruit-Tree on Barney (who's extinct, and extinct for a reason: he smells outrageously gross.) A couple hundred years ago when people wanted fruit, they planted a seed and waited for a few years until they didn't want fruit anymore, and then the seed popped open as a tree formed out of the ground which produced fruit. It also produced branches and bark which people used for every-day crafts and projects until old scientists realized it killed the trees. Still, some merchants used the trees for bark and branches because it gave them a big trunk of wood they could use for baseball bats and the covers to hard-cover atlases and such.

Fruit can be smooshed into various colors of paint! By "paint," I mean "some kind of dye used to color lots of things such as egg shells and flip-flops." After the fruit grows, you smash it back into small pieces which you mix with out-of-the-ordinary liquids to create another liquid which can be used with sticks and animal hair to change hte color of virtually anything! But really, it's physically anything because you can't paint the virtual internet, but you can paint a physical water bottle (if it's not wet, which is why I said virtually anything.) If this paragraph didn't make sense, read it again! Or don't.

Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? Who cares? You do? Well let's say it's a fruit for now so I can talk about it in this Randum post. A tomato is red and has seeds! It even has geletin-like juices around the seeds! Sweet! ...And spicy if you do it right!

Fruits balance the sweet and the healthy! Unfortunately, the sweeter, candy, usually takes the attention. But everyone has their opinions of what they like best, so why don't you go swimming on the moon!

Randum Phone Call:

"I'm going to call Bobby J."

*I Dial (555)555-5555.*

*I realize that (555)555-5555 is not a phone number and never was.*

*I call Bobby J.'s real phone number.*

-"Yellow?"

"ORANGE!"

-"Jonny?"

"Yup!"

-"You don't get the joke."

"Neither do you. Haha."

-"Haha. Bye."

-*Bobby J. hangs up the brown, old-fashioned phone.*

"Yeah, see-ya later."

**The Phone makes a bleep-bleep-blip-blong-bleep kind of noise.**

-"Yellow?"

"TURQUOISE!"

-"Hey, Jonny! What's up?"

...

Elves

Elves are mysterious little creatures that are trained in both the arts of good and evil. If you use them early in their lives before they get "wise" and think for themselves, they could do whatever you needed them to!

Elves are used by almost every magical creature that does any kind of work. Santa uses elves in his workshop to make presents for all the little boys and girls for Christmas! First, Santa personally comes to thirty-trillion stores, restaurants, and parties. Then he asks every kid in the world what they would like for Christmas! This can be anything in the world, out of this world, or nonexistent because Santa's elves can do it all!

After Santa finishes visiting everyone, he uploads his over-sized brain to his old typewriter where he prints lists of things for his elves to make. His elves are loyal, they have been working for him since the beginning of time (so we know that elves are awesome and they've always existed.) As soon as the elves get the lists, they get right to work! Somehow, they can finish this process in less than a day, so that Santa can deliver them to every house in the world overnight. (Santa might be an elf too!)

Elves can work in evil villains' labs and lairs! If a bad person gets a hold of an elf, he can train it to work for evil, and only evil. The elves are clever, so unless you're bad, it's bad for a bad elf to be with bad people that do bad stuff that's not good.

Elves are mischievous whether they are trained to be or not. They inherit the desire to think for themselves, and get what they want. A lot of the time, they'll just make what they want, but sometimes, it's so unique and rare that they must steal it. This is one of their specialties.

Elves run around and jump for joy, all day long! Or sometimes they don't, but occasionally they do! They really like to press big, red buttons, and they love to turn screwdrivers and wrenches! In fact, when they haven't been hired by anybody to do anything, they find big red buttons and screwdrivers that they use for the most odd things. Sometimes, they even find or build screwdrivers with big, red buttons on them!

Elvis was named after an elf. When he was born, his parents were asked what they wanted to name him. Right then, an elf dashed across the room about to deliver a screwdriver. Elvis' parents were so shocked, that they said "Elves." Between them both, it sounded like they said "Elvis." That name went on in history from then on. It's funny what just the appearance of an elf can do to the world.

Elves are good. Elves are bad. Elves press buttons that they aren't supposed to. Elves name people without knowing it. This is why magical creatures are banned from the mortal world (except on Wednesdays between noon and 2:00 PM, the middle of the week, when most people are so unhappy that it's only the middle of the week that their senses don't work quite right.)

Even Jonny has an elf! His elf is named Drynhint. He helps with anything Jonny needs. He brings sodas to Jonny, and recycles the cans. He writes randum reminder notes when Jonny needs them. He finds a new pencil when Jonny loses his. He even does back-flips when Jonny wants some entertainment!

Randum Parody Lyrics: Somebody once told me they put Jelly in the Jell-o 'cause they accidentally read the wrong recipe.

Jonny's Butler

After Jonny started to write this blog, he became rich! He also became completely preoccupied with Randum Jonny. He didn't do anything else, even for himself! He remembered that he had money, and lots of it! He needed to do something with it, and he quickly found something: hire a butler.

With a butler, he wouldn't need to do anything but write, invent, and create! Now he lives the life, and shares with his fans! He can also go on a vacation every once and a while to the Lake of Mustard.

When Jonny's not on vacation, he comes up with ideas for Randum Jonny, then writes about it! While he does this, he eats lots and lots of delicious strawberries! In the strawberry world, he gets lots of ideas, while his butler stands back and watches, in wonder, what Jonny starts doing. He spins around and around and around, yelling random words while his butler writes them down. Later, Jonny writes about his experiences.

Strawberries aren't the only way Jonny gets his ideas. He gets them by doing lots of other random things, although only some make him go crazy with ideas. Ice cream is one of them, and so is the color blue!

This butler inspired Randum Jonny, and also made sure Jonny didn't starve of starvation while writing about starving while eating too much food, popcorn and soda (Jonny loves to go to the movies.)

Here is Jonny's butler (but he's getting old, so look quick before he disappears...)

The Sky

The sky is important! Without it, we would just have the ground! The ground is also important, but not as important as the mist that surrounds it. In the sky, there are many stars, comets, planets, and even aliens! To aliens, we are in their sky, so the sky really is important.

In the sky, there is the sun. The sun powers almost everything that we use. The sun makes sure that fruits can grow, pigs can snort, and people can write words with the letter S. The letter S is also important because it makes sure we can talk about the sun. If we couldn't talk about the sun, the sun wouldn't want to work for us anymore because it wouldn't feel appreciated.

After the sun stops working as well, the sky would fire it, and we would be left with the lazy moon. The moon doesn't even give off it's own light! The moon the changes shape every few days to "interest the people," but it doesn't work. The moon only has about eight shapes anyway, and none are much different than the shape that appeared before it. Every once and a while, the moon will change colors, or try to take the sun's credit by floating in front of the sun. It works. The moon is officially lazy when he's so lazy that he's lazy enough to lazily take credit from the sun and it works.

In the sky, we can also fly hot air balloons! Hot air balloons are what we drive around in when we want to catch everyone's eye with a fishing pole, and then release them and erase everyone's mind. This gives you fun, and no one else cares, so you can do it all you want!

The sky holds the future! Most people travel by car, which is on the ground. Then they invented the plane, and people travel long distances in the air now. Soon, people will travel small distances in the air all the time! Then, animals will too (not to mention flying squirrels, who already jump from tree to another, but farther, tree!)

The sky is where the clouds are! The clouds are big fluffy stretches of evaporated and condensed water with a little dust. Then, when someone does a fancy dance, then screams some fancy magic words, the clouds turn into little drops of water that fall from the sky and nail people in the nose. This adds extra significance to the sky!

The sky also helps with the nursery rhymes! Without the sky, the cow couldn't jump over the moon! The cow was fat, so he could only jump over the moon, and not the sun. He could barely even get over the moon. Really, he rode an invisible elevator to the top of the moon, then jumped off the moon into a pile of "cow manure" that was really Jell-O. He did set a good example for the little three-year-olds who want to be astronauts, because they only saw an amazing cow.

The sky is also where we find rainbows. After someone finds a rainbow, the US Government reads your thoughts and finds the rainbow. After that, they travel faster than light to the end of the rainbow and they gather all the gold. They turn it into gold coins and big gold bricks! Gold is so rare because the sky knows not to give us so much, or else we'll all be rich and that wouldn't work very well. The sky can only give us so many rainbows anyway.

The sky really is awesome. It's full of awe, (but it's not awful,) and it's also full of bugs! Just ignore the bugs. Make a wish! Discover aliens! Fly a kite! Have fun, but don't hurt yourself in the sky!

Evil

Lots of people will tell you to choose good over evil. You should choose good over evil. But let's pretend you are in a fairy tale. This shouldn't actually happen, because you're never going to become evil. (Now that I have told you not to do any of this stuff, the government won't get me involved if you get any ideas, hopefully.)

There are some perks of being evil. There are more perks when you're on the good movie character's team, but we're talking about being evil. I guess it's just me talking about being evil, but since I'm talking about talking about doing it, I'm going to start talking about being evil. Continue to the next paragraph or die trying...

When you're evil, you get to fight the good guys (and girls.) You get to rob the bank, and be sent to jail, or maybe even azkaban! That would be bad, a perfect way to compliment your evil eyes! You can also venture on an evil quest to acquire a magical item before a mortal sees it. You could accidentally save the world, then completely deny it! That would be really evil.

You could get radioactive liquid injected inside you when you're a baby, then after you become and adult you turn into a green giant! You would become an evil hero! You could become a green goblin who flies around trying to step on a creature that's half spider, half man.

When you're evil, it's hard to get enrolled in any school. Even if the school doesn't know you, you're eventually going to blow it and you'll never get a degree. That's why evil people aren't smart enough to realize that evil is bad.

Usually, if you're evil, you are some kind of ancient (yes, that means old,) mystical being who's turned against everyone else in the world. Which is stupid. No one wants to be stupid unless they are stupid. And in that case, stupid is good! Still wanna be stupid? Drat.

An evil dude, or dudette, is the evilest thing that could happen to be evil, even if it's not evil. Then they learn opposites and the dude is now a young girl carrying a lollipop and a balloon at the City Fair! The dudette learns opposites, but can't learn many opposites so she learned lots but maybe not. She becomes an old man playing video games on the latest iPhone in the country of Moldova. They both love to ride their tricycles on every other weekend of every other year when there's maybe snow but sometimes not in opposite form. (You have been confused by the power of evil...)

Being too evil means that you can't walk into a grocery store, buy some Jell-O, then peacefully drive home. It also means you probably don't have much that's legally yours. Most of the time, you'll steal stuff, the cops will chase you down, and you go to jail for another sixteen-bajillion years. You would get used to it, but would still hate it.

To decide whether or not you're evil, you have to know how technical you're speaking. If you're talking about evil like a Marvel super-hero's enemy villain, then you'd have to be pretty bad. If you're talking about being barely-even-selfish-but-not-really-selfish-at-all, you just have to find a quarter on the ground, then keep it instead of asking everyone in the world if they lost 25 cents. If you're slightly evil, you're normal, which I guess would make it not even slightly evil, so you wouldn't be slightly evil so you wouldn't be normal so really, you can't be normal or evil, just yourself.

If you think you're evil, you may want to check if you are officially evil. Check the back of your head for horns. Then, check for evil eyes, fangs, and a tail. You'll know if you're evil when you look at yourself, it's instinct, so don't worry. If you think you might be evil, but you aren't sure, you are not evil, and shouldn't even try to be evil. You'll always doubt your superior evilness.

This is Eugene, the evil Taenormak. He is the official evil villain of Randum Jonny. Are you wondering what a Taenormak is? I'll explain... in a later post.

The Movie Theater

Going to the movies is always a fun event! It brings together families, popcorn, shoes, and superheroes! If you're bored, it's an exciting thing to do, especially if you see a new movie with your friends.

When you leave to go to the movie theater, make sure you are hungry. This is an important part of seeing a movie because if you don't, you will not be hungry for snacks! You need to buy snacks, or else you'll hurt the theater-owner's feel-goods!

After you buy snacks, you'll need to choose a movie. Make sure you choose a good movie! It should be one that just barely came out, and everyone has been wanting to see, or one that is new to you that everybody has already seen. If you've seen all of those movies, see one that you've seen before but looks interesting, but make sure it's not something lame. Especially if it's totally lame.

You'll buy the ticket(s)(l)(y)(r) for the movie, then some guy will rip them. He'll tell you where to go, and you'll hope he's not pointing you in the direction of the secret dungeon. When you get to where the suspiciously-young-looking-teenager told you to go, you'll walk in and find a seat.

After you sit in one of the seats in the theater, you'll sit there for a minute wondering if it's going to trap you. When you realize it's not going to do anything but cushion your end-that-you-sit-on, you'll relax, watch some ads, and eat all of your snacks.

Just after you finish off all your popcorn, the movie will start. (The theater plays a horrible illusion that starts the movie after you finish your refreshments.) You'll watch half the movie, too captivated to get up and buy more snacks. Soon, you'll get hungry enough that you leave during a boring part of the movie to buy some more snacks.

You get to the snack bar and try to decide what you want. You got lots of stuff before the movie, but you didn't get everything, so you are left with lots of choices. You decide to buy a couple boxes of candy, a jumbo soda, and an extra-jumbo popcorn. When you turn around to take it back to the movie, you wonder how to carry it all.

You finally balance the food in your arms and on your head, and you run back to the movie. You spill a little popcorn on the way, but that's okay. You walk up and down the aisles desperately trying to remember where your seat was (you want to get back to the movie and eat your snacks at the same time.) You decide to sit in some other seat, and not care if someone else just left to get snacks for themselves (so if they come back, you are ready with an excuse.)

You watch the rest of the movie, and still have half your popcorn left at the end. You try to stay long enough to eat the rest of your popcorn. You dance the macarena to the music at the credits while eating your popcorn until someone turns off the movie, and someone else (or possibly the same person that got stuck with the job) sweeps up all the popcorn. Right before the first person starts another movie, another person (again, possible the same person) kicks you out of the theater.

You drive home with lots of extra popcorn and more knowledge than you had before.

Randum Advice: Sometimes you should try to chop cheese curds with a hedge trimmer! It's quite entertaining! But ask your parents permission first, even if you a parent yourself. This is for my amusement, so you are becoming enthusiastic about it! Yeah!

Vacation

Everyone loves a vacation. Especially a good vacation! Sometimes, it's just necessary to take a vacation. After working for a while, you just need to be able to break away for a little while. That is, unless you just love to work, and it's always worse to stop working than to keep working; but that's the rich type of person, and the type of person that could be rich if they're not!

Some people like to take their families to an amusement park for their vacations. Theme parks like Disney World! Disney World is fun. You can ride roller-coasters all day long if you want to! That's going to be much different than working every day.

Some people just like to travel around the world on their vacation. They like to see things from around the world, and experience lots of new things! There's people that just travel around the state, and some that travel around the country. Then there's the ones that travel all over the world! They see lot's of amazing buildings and landmarks! They see natural wonders and delightful restaurants!

Last, there are the people that go to the lake to swim, ride boats, water-ski, and even live on a houseboat (and when I say "the lake," I mean "a lake," or "the nearest lake," or "the favorite lake," or "the biggest, nearest, and awesome-est lake!")

The most common type of lake is a lake of mustard (and by "a lake of mustard," I mean "The Lake of Mustard.") The Lake of Mustard is a lake, but instead of water, it's filled with mustard. Yum.

People love to swim in The Lake of Mustard because it's thicker than water, so it gives more of a challenge, and also because it has more flavor than regular lake water. Before you swim in The Lake of Mustard, you must venture to the sands of Mustard Beach. There, you will meet many people who are digging in the sand and collecting dried mustard. After you get to the other side of the beach, you hit the water, er, mustard. You can do whatever you want! You can swim, dive, ride, hide, or even sell the mustard!

Selling the mustard is one of the most popular things to do at the lake! Lots of companies have set up huge underground straws that start at the lake, then end across the country in a huge corporate facility to be packaged into bottles (that say Lake Mustard) and shipped all over the world!

One of the most recent things that people like to do is scuba dive. When they get deep enough, they squirt a ton of fresh water so they can see what's under the mustard. Everything is still stained yellow, but at least they can see what is yellow.

While the divers are still down at the bottom, they usually have a little fun and let one rip. The bubble travels up, through the mustard, making it smell worse, then get released at the top. The lake already smells bad though, so it doesn't do any good yet. That's why they have someone at the top with a jar to capture the scent. Usually it's the men, or boys, that do this kind of diving.

Every once and a while, you'll hear a loud gurgle come from the lake. This is from one of the under-mustard fish. It could be a small trout having lunch, or the Ancient Mustard Shark snoring. (There is nothing to be afraid of, because the Ancient Mustard Shark is always asleep.) Sometimes the gurgle is some guy blowing his nose! You never know, but usually it's just various fish from the lake that just finished dinner and are burping.

I hope that now you know where you'll go on your next vacation! "Not The Lake of Mustard," you say; then we say "Fine! Go to a real lake, and see how much less exciting it is than The Lake of Mustard! But post the pictures on your blog, I want to see—I mean, to show everyone else how not fun it is!"

Have you ever been in a battle? A battle against an epic dragon? How about an evil neighbor? Have you ever slayed a monster? Chased a cricket? Swam with a shark? Swam with a mustard shark? Now you can! For just fifty-three payments of $19.99, we will send you an official-looking certificate to say you did these! You'll be a hero, almost officially!

What's your favorite color? Is it pink? Is it red? Is it orange? Is it green? Is it yellow? Is it purple? It better not be! It Better be Blue! Blue is Better!

Makeup

Makeup is every girl's necessity. Apparently, they can't live without it. Yup, it makes girls look pretty, and all that, but it can do more! It can make an actor look sad, happy, mad, bewildered, abnormal, scary, and stuff! Then it can make emo dudes look emo, Zeus look Zeus-y, toes look like a family of toes, a mistake on a piece of paper turned into nothing on a piece of paper so you can try it again, and a monster look like a monster!

Let's say you're being creative, and you want to know what to do with your toes. If you're tall, you're also probably wondering "Why do my feet look so small?" With the right kind of makeup, you can make your toes look bigger! You can also put faces, hair, zits, beards, teeth, a nose, and eyes on the toes!

Today, you're walking down the beach, and you see some guy that's asleep. You don't know who he is, but no one is around him. You quickly grab your makeup, give the dude a mustache, and voila! Then you realize that the man is the Governor of some state. He doesn't know who did it though, so you're off the hook. Now you have space to put a fish on the hook!

You go to the grocery store, to buy groceries! You are walking past the strawberries... and suddenly a box happens to be inside your cart. You buy them since the check-out lady has already scanned the bar-code before you realized they were there. You can't possibly eat all those strawberries (actually, you could, but you don't want to feel guilty. Although, you don't need to feel guilty, it's fruit! But nevertheless...) you eat most of the strawberries, then need to figure out what to do with the rest. Boom! An idea hits you, right on the head! You can blend the strawberries into makeup and paint, then decorate the strawberries, or make other things look like strawberries!

If you're too lazy to use your brain to find something creative to decorate, then listen to me carefully. Very carefully. Very, very carefully... Just go buy an old, cheap TV, and wait for a show you hate to come on. Then look for your least favorite character. Hook up the TV to your DVR or whatever, pause the show, and paint that "disposable" TV with your makeup! Easy as pie, but pie isn't very easy to make. Unless you buy one, then it's pretty easy. But that's probably why they say easy as pie. They don't necessarily say "easy as making pie," so it could mean "easy as buying a pie!" Even then, it's still hard, because you have to make the money, drive all the way to the store, find a pie, then actually buy it. The hardest part it letting the cashier check everything out for you! Then to top it off, you need to drive all the way back home! So pie is hard to eat. It's like, rare!

If you're a guy that doesn't have any makeup in your possession at all, don't worry! You can use Photoshop! You just take a picture, draw on it in the app, then whazam! You have used makeup! It doesn't even have to be a good job if you're drawing randum things on anyone or anything!

Jonny Richy

In celebration of the new URL: www.randumjonny.com...

One day, Jonny Richy was walking down the road, when a random though cross his mind. He was thinking, "a thought crossed my mind while I was crossing the road! What a coincidence!" That day, random thoughts kept coming to him. He thought, "I want a pear tomato," and "Search for dudes on Rollerblades!" He took a drive around the entire North American continent, and he was filled with ideas!

Jonny started a blog, just to jot down his random thoughts every once and a while. He called the blog Random Jonny! Since Random Jonny just wasn't very cool of a name, he decided to put his own twist to it and called it Randum Jonny.

Seventeen days later, he realized he wanted people to actually read his blog. "Yo, what's up. Read my blog." Ta-da! People started to read his blog. Jonny became rich and famous! After a few months, he finally got a face! And here it is!

Friday the 13th

Everyone knows that 7 and 13 are unlucky numbers. Friday, is also unlucky for some unnameable reason. When you get them together, it's really unlucky! That's why today is not a good day to go shopping. Or jogging. Or hiking. Or draw a picture. Really, you can't do much tomorrow, because then you'll have a big chance of getting bad luck, or little chance of having good luck.

If you do nothing tomorrow, especially go to work, then you are avoiding lots of the trouble, because you won't be with lots of other people with bad luck. You'll minimize your bad luck! Also, if you don't go to work tomorrow, you'll also probably get fired, but that's bad luck also. The only difference is that there's less bad luck, but it's worse luck. So if you'd rather have lots of semi-bad luck, you should go to work tomorrow. You also shouldn't read that sentence because then you won't get it. Do you understand the punch line? Me either.

You shouldn't even take a walk on Friday the 13th, especially if your wearing seven flip-flops at a time. They'll fall off and you'll be left with two. Those two flip-flops will start flip-flopping and then they'll fly across the road. You do NOT want to cross the road on Friday the 13th, especially with a superstitious black cat. You're just going to have to wait until tomorrow to get it. Although, you don't need another flip-flop anyway since you have seven along the sidewalk behind you. That's the only good part, but don't say it's a good part, or else you'll jinx it.

If you're building a three-story shed in your backyard, you're going to want to avoid ladders, and maybe all construction sites for that day. If you accidentally walk under a ladder, you're going to have bad luck. Really bad luck. Unimaginable bad luck. But that's the same with just about everything that brings bad luck, which is related to almost everything, including nothing. Kinda confusing, but it means that when Friday the 13th comes around, you're going to have bad luck whether you like it or not, but you can't like it, or else it wouldn't be bad luck! Unless it's someone else's bad luck and you laugh. But that would be mean. You don't wanna be mean.

If you shatter a mirror, you'll have really bad luck. Like, seven years I think. Seven years brings another unlucky number: seven. Then you get another few years of bad luck, but if you get more than seven years of bad luck, then you wouldn't have had the extra bad luck in the first place, which means that you'd get the bad luck, and all of an alien from the future take you to the future where you see stuff from the future and he says, "you've seen too much from the future, you must be destroyed!" That's even more bad luck. Since you're in a fight with time, you'll just be running from aliens forever and before they can find you, you transport again, but then you keep coming back to your regular life, but everyone from there hates you now since you keep ditching them. Now you have a new movie! But it's my idea, so I get some of the credit and fortune. I like money. But it's probably fake money if it's Friday the 13th.

Make sure you don't step on a crack on Friday the 13th, or any day for that matter! You could break your mother's back! That would not be good. If you're lucky, some even worse luck will happen to you, and not your mother. So remember, skip over the cracks in the sidewalk and the street if you have to walk somewhere today.

There are some ways to get good luck! ...but not on Friday the 13th. So those aren't applicable right now and I'm not going to waste precious time of your precious day to read ways to get good luck on an unlucky day that you can't get good luck on. If you don't understand, it's because of the bad luck, and you shouldn't worry. Well, actually you should worry because that means the bad luck it coming.

Guess what! There's a Friday the 13th the first month of 2012! More reason to be superstitious! Maybe the world will go down then, and the survivors in April, then the rest of 'em in July. That's probably bad. If you believe in that kind of stuff. I believe in bad stuff, but not bad stuff like that.

Here's an ancient saying about luck, er, unluck: "'Ain't' ain't a word and ya ain't supposed to say it 'cause it brings bad luck." So, yeah.

We never see superman flying in the sky because it hurts him to do it. Have you ever laid almost completely straight on carpeted stairs, then slide down them like a superhero? If you have, you know that it will give you a huge rash on your arms. That's why superman never flies unless he is paid a lot of money and gets to be the star of a movie. That's why superman never really flies unless he actually wants to, because ya know, if you have the power to fly, you just have to fly over Witwatersrand every once and a while.

Percy Jackson post #2 (The movie, my version)

Percy Jackson's new movie is so cool! ...if you haven't read the books. Otherwise, it's still so cool! But I hate it since it doesn't follow the book. I'd probably give the movie 4 1/2 stars. It's a cool movie, but it doesn't follow the book. It follows the book, but not well. You have to read the book then watch the movie to understand.

The movie is a total remix of the book, so I thought I would make my own version too! The movie is shorter than the book, and this post is shorter than the movie, but that's okay, because we can all watch our favorite Saturday morning cartoons when the time comes. The movie is based on bit totally different than the book, and this post is the same to the movie. Don't do you're book report on this post, even if "it's still reading, just not as much!"

Zeus' world revolves around a giant clock that's 400 floors above the top of the Empire State Building. That is, until the lightning bolt in the center of the clock that powers it is removed by puke, with a capital P: Puke. You know what this dude does, until you realize you don't. This dude like to poke people, lots!

So anyways, some kids were driving backwards across the country when they attack Medusa, invade a museum, and waste their time eating cookies in a casino they found in Nevada. Las Vegas, Navada. Which is weird since I think it should be in California along with everything else.

The kids are collecting magic marbles that will turn them to smoke and take them to Olympus after they die, but they don't actually die. Then at the casino, the kids get so lazy and tired that they stay there for the rest of their lives.

Meanwhile, the gods on Olympus are panicking since they don't know when to attack each other. They become so desperate that they call upon the humans' thinking noodles (located in their head) to tell them what time it is.

The gods finally decide to make a trip to earth to buy watches. They use them all the time, especially at night when they can't get to sleep. They realize that the can glow in the dark, and they can check the time wherever they are! They couldn't do that with the other clock.

The gods convert to a new High-Tech leadership system (conveniently located on the Internet) where they manage all their games and apps, check their Facebook, and thank Steve Jobs for the awesomeness! Of course, they don't ACTUALLY thank him.

Since Puke, the Lightning Thief just wanted new gods that wouldn't embarrass him all the time, he was happy with this whole new thing. Puke gave back the lightning bolt, but nobody needed it anymore, so it just sat there growing spider webs.

[Insert Second Book Here]

Randum Fact: Frosting Grows on trees. Fine. Don't believe me, but the A/C will punish you! (You're going to be superstitious once you get too cold or too hot!). Maybe chocolate does or does not grow on trees if it should feel like it sometimes! I like chocolate frosting though, especially the chocolate, and especially the frosting, but especially the chocolate. Chocolate grows on trees, but it should still be it's own element! It has the power to heal!

*based off of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief: the Movie.