Sports

Sports are fun! At least most are! Unless you're an elephant. Then you should avoid sports with your life. Some fun sports are bowling, the luge, and goat dancing! But if you want to attempt a sport you need to be properly equipped! Goat dancers always keep an extra pair of overalls with them just in case! Most sports you need something! Basketball needs basketballs! Football needs footballs. Soccer needs soccer balls!

The only sport that doesn't need anything is competitive Being-Bored... all you do is go and do nothing. It is the worlds hardest, and most dangerous sport! Many have tried and failed! Here's a quick list of famous people who've tried!

Manny Ramirez

Brett Favre

Harry Potter

Steve from apartment 6D

Charlie the Unicorn

And.....

Scarlet Johansson!

Sports are like, and compared to, chasing a butterfly. One day you see it, the next day it has flown to Alabama. You buy a lacrosse stick to catch the ball, A.K.A. the butterfly, and everyone cheers as you go after it, specifically your mom. Then you catch it! Or at least you think you did. When you take off the net, you look to find that you really only caught a few flying seeds to a rare weed that scientists of all sorts have been trying to nail for years (Disclaimer: By "scientists," I mean people of no specific type who like to study no specific type of thing, read classic books, and pretend that they are just housewives making dinner for the neighborhood party. By "nail," I mean literally nail the weed to the orange wall in someone's garage for them to find and deal with, because nobody likes a weed taking over their backyard!)

To play sports, you need to be big and strong! You've got to eat your greens, mushrooms (not so greens,) and chocolate! Chocolate has the power to start you up and get you rolling! It makes you hyper and starts making you run around, which really makes you stronger! Eat your chocolate kids.

As you can see, America is a sporty place. To take the slogan of a company that we are not obliged to use, "America runs on sports."

Randum Fact: The Internet has saved over .3 lives! And that includes George Clooney!

Waves

A wave happens to be quite a few things! A wave could be something swimming in the air above water, but still connected. It could be a nifty hand motion which loves to greet others, or if not, just a nifty hand motion. Also, a wave is an invisible buzz that annoys the brain juices out of you while you're sleeping.

At the beach, you swim your surf board into the ocean, then hope a wave comes. When you stand on the board, you spot your best friend on the shore. He waves to you, signaling that it's okay to start because he's ready to dash to Northern South Dakota before you crash. His wave glides across the sea toward you, and you are participating in the sport you've always participated in!

The Wicked Witch of the Dust Pan (Dust Pan meaning The Secret Lab in Your Basement that Nobody Knows About,) uses the power of the Wave to attack her enemies! She vibrates her hand with the special hand massage machine that she set on high-power. It's so powerful that it waves her hand into magic, just like churning butter with a vibrating phone! The magic causes people to do the wave around every stadium in the world, causing major uproars of commotion, buying television remotes, and yelling. The moon dives down toward the Earth, making bigger waves, and then we all realize that it's just New Year's Eve in New York.

A wave can turn invisible, transforming it's visibility into annoying buzzing energy waves. A fire alarm will do this same thing. It uses it's hand-massaging powers to convert smoke into electricity for the alarm to change it's green light to red. Then it triggers a siren to alarm everybody enough to run screaming into the middle of the road. After that, Eugene, the Taenormak flies over the city inside his spacecraft, a shooting star. You can't see him because he doesn't want you to see him.

Just like most everything in the world, waves have power of all sorts. Waves even have metaphoric electricity, but you can just figure that out on your own.

Randum Donut: Glazed, cream-filled, rainbow sprinkles.

Pets

Have you ever had a pet? Have you ever had the need to buy a pet? Are you emotionally attached to a pet? Does your pet like to eat mustard? Does your pet do unnatural things? Are you sure?

Lots of people that have pets have dogs, cats, fish, llamas, giraffes, orange peels, or rocks. Sometimes they even have feet! Most people that have dogs or cats are good people, unless they use them for evil. You could train a big dog to eat people for you, or train a black cat to take a morning stroll on Friday the 13th. You can make bad things happen with pets like these.

Fish can't be trusted. They could live for a year, then die. You could feed them the good stuff, bacon bits, and they could pretend to like it! After you feed them enough though, and they can stand about 6 months worth of bacon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, they begin to grow a fat head... next thing you know they die. Sometimes fish just hate you so bad for locking them up in a bowl, that they run away during school! Sometimes fish can run away like Nemo did, kinda, or your mom will just tell you that the fish ran away, and she doesn't know where it is! She thinks it's taking a long vacation in Alabama for it's birthday without your permission, but she couldn't be sure. Next thing you know it, you're on a plane for Alabama!

If you have a llama as a pet, be careful because it may spit in your eye. Some hippies down the road have a llama, and they're making you jealous with it! They like to ride it, backwards, then film commercials on it. Then some company for "smelly lotion" ripped them off with a horse instead of a llama.

They ride down the road making you jealous with their pet, that's what people do with pets! Then there's the giraffe down the other side of the street, but that's a different story...\

Randum Story:
Once there was a llama. His name is Llarry. He is happy.
Then he was shot. Now he is sad. He is dead.
Now he lives in Qutar with his hippie who does yoga! The hippie's favorite position is the flying elephant.
Now Llarry is happy.
The End

Randum News: We got a new writer for Randum Jonny! The new writer wishes to be named Ethan the Moose , although he's really just Randum Jonny #2!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is commonly called Turkey Day. Why is that? It's because Thanksgiving is the day that every American is jealous of how famous all the turkeys suddenly are for a day. Why can't humans get that kind of popularity so fast? No one wants to eat you, so it's a little harder. Justin Bieber used to be a turkey, but then he met a magical sorcerer on Thanksgiving who found a loophole for Justin. This wizard was Usher, who taught Justin how to wear jewels, colorful watches, and hair covering all of his head except for his eyes. Ninja!

Thanksgiving is the day that you can stuff yourself with the foods that you WANT to eat! There's turkey, rolls, fruit, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry jelly, and PIES! You can eat as much as you want because there's so much food that it will never run out!

Thanksgiving started when pilgrims sailed across the treacherous sea to settle in "New England." They began new lives on the new continent, and they finally got through the winter. They built homes, met Indians, grew corn, and most importantly, some of them survived! In celebration, they had a big party with quarter-ton helium balloons shaped like Santa Claus. Then they lost their balloon, so they were only able to have a big dinner and play the Charlie Brown theme song with the Indians.

One of the other fun parts of Thanksgiving is that you get to travel, or your family and friends travel to you so you don't have to spend the time being carsick. They come all that way to make you pies that you can stuff yourself with until they run out, usually about a week.

Sometimes, people will stuff a Jack-in-the-Box into some of the food. You dig your fork into the turkey, which turns the crank just enough that a boy springs out of your food! You scream, "AAAH!" The plastic boy looks right at you and screams, "AAAH!" Then the boy eats your pie. After that, you eat him.

After Thanksgiving is Black Friday, when everyone goes crazy at 4:00 in the morning to go shopping. The prices of everything go ridiculously low, and everyone wants to buy everything that they don't need before anyone else buys it.

Right after the holiday craziness, everyone sleeps through the whole weekend. The people try to finish off the leftover food, and Thanksgiving lasts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a few more days.

Randum Truth: Pickle trees are actually cucumber trees which scientists have taken into their secret labs and drowned in vinegar. Sadly, the scientists have used this ability for their own, selfish use and sold these pickles in jars for everyone to buy and eat. They make the scientists rich, but there is hope: Wal-Mart! Wal-Mart broke into these secret lab, (if the cops ask, they did no such thing,) and they started to sell the pickles for The Peoples' sake. Soon, other companies did the same, so now we have pickles! (Some say that pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil, but really, they are grown on cucumber trees which are soaked in evil.)

Plastic

Plastic makes the world a better place. From plastic bottles, to plastic toys, to plastic tools, to plastic awesomeness, to plastic cafeteria food, there's plastic everywhere!

If we didn't have plastic, we would be living in a much more expensive world, where everything is expensive! Thanks to plastic, we don't have to cover everything in gold. King Tut lived in a world where plastic wasn't invented yet. That's sad for King Tut, because everything in he world was made of gold instead of plastic!

Down in Plasticland, people live in a world they've never lived in before. Some people escape from the world of old people, and they find themselves in Plasticland, where everything is orange and made of plastic. The purple section of Plasticland, of course, is still orange. Orange is the way of plastic, and awesomeness, yet it's no where near as awesome as blue in it's awesomeness.

Plastic didn't always exist. In fact, it wasn't ever supposed to happen. Some clumsy kid was just tired of dropping glass bottles on his feet and slicing off his toes, that he couldn't afford to lose his last toe, the second one from the left of his right foot. He got into his great-uncles blacksmith shop, and welded together a frog and his old toe. Then, when the fire attempted to punish him for creating plastic, he found a loophole! He froze the fire, and the fire wasn't expecting that. Now, if you find the right blacksmith shop, you can see the ancient frozen fire which looks like hair and attempted to stop the invention of plastic.

All those scientists say that Antarctica is just a big continent made out of ice, but I disagree. Antarctica is just a big continent made out of plastic. That's why penguins are attracted to the place, and they chose to fly their plastic helicopter toys to that area.

Plastic seems to overcome mice, just like on plastic mouse traps. Most mouse traps aren't made out of plastic, but the few that are have captured every mouse and sent it directly to the North Pole. There, they get so swollen that they look like elves, and Santa uses them to make presents to give away to every child in the world!

Plastic can even make bumper stickers to go on your cars which are partially made of plastic! They could say "I love MOM," "Darkness Dominates," or "I wear my Darth Vader mask in the shower!" So plastic has the option of getting lots of messages across the bridge to other people on their own island where they are taking a vacation. Did I mention that some were having a barbecue?

So plastic makes up this world, everything from lame to awesome, and awesome to AAAAAH, NO WAY, NO WAY!!! Then it can plummet back toward the Earth at an unearthly speed to get buried in someone's recycle bin. Then it gets taken to the recycling area to go through the recycling routine. Then your plastic computer mouse gets turned into a pointless fast food kid's meal toy. Still, plastic can do stuff.

Randum Thought: Lord Voldemort, we can't say his name and he can't brush his teeth.

Taxis

Do you live in a big city? Is the city big enough that you can call a taxi anywhere you are? Do you wish you wish you did? The experience is delicious, smelly, and tragic.

You get in the taxi, and someone has stuck gum in the window. Someone had stretched it across the whole window, and then the taxi driver tried to clean it up. You could see that in the process of cleaning it, someone demanded a ride, so he had to get back into his driver's seat pretending that nothing had happened. If somebody asked, he would tell them, "I was lazy, and I napped. Don't tell anyone, please!" That would get the driver out of trouble; it's called a decoy.

Other than the gum, the occasional flies, and maybe a little jealousy, the taxi is pretty well kept! If it wasn't, then the taxi company would fine them and make them generously buy a whole new car. Of course, the driver would "choose to willingly pay it generously" just to make the company happy.

Taxi drivers don't get much of a break. They get about 2 hours and 37 minutes to sleep every night, so the drivers have to make their own breaks and hope that nobody finds out. Since people are always under the influence that any empty taxi driving around can give them a ride, they call any taxi and EVERY taxi. First, they realize they need to get somewhere. Then they realize that they never bought a car. After that, they run outside to call a taxi. They look closely into the back windows of every taxi, and when nobody is in it, they'll call the taxi. If they taxi doesn't pull over, they'll record the license plate and call the cops.

The taxi driver can always deny that they didn't stop, or maybe say that they didn't see the person. Most of the time it doesn't work, and the drivers are driving on thin ice anyway. They almost have no choice but to pull over for the customer. The passenger tells the driver where they want to go, and a light turns on inside the head of the driver. There's a coffee shop along that rode, the taxi driver remembers, The passenger won't mind if I stop there for just a minute.

The taxi driver says, "Coming right up! Just relax, and go to sleep while we drive." Then he stops to get a donut, but coffee shops have special donuts for their best customers. The taxi drivers get taxi-shaped donuts! Then the driver is satisfied and feels appreciated. After that he can drive the passenger to the destination, so they are happy too, and everything works out perfectly in the land of taxis!

Randum Bacon

From the original Randum™ company comes Randum Toast™, with it’s delicious new breakfast cereal, Randum Bacon®! We specially slaughter our finest pigs to turn into delightful bacon bits! And for those vegetarians, this cereal is ‘made out of red lettuce!’

Do you ever hate dislike (hate is a strong word, you shan’t use it,) your parents for not allowing you to eat sugary cereals for breakfast? Studies show that 12.53% – 98.47% of all parents do not permit enjoyable breakfasts in their homes. This is the solution! We replace the sugar in your average cereals with grease, causing the meal to turn into bacon. This is no average bacon though. This is the only bacon that has the physical capability of getting crammed into the bowl of the spoon from the bowl of the soup bowl where your bacon originally laid. This bacon is also the only bacon which you can pour milk into, while all surrounding adults jealously stare!

“We guarantee your cereal to be delightful in that savory extraordinary kind of way, or we’ll give you your money back!” This is Guatamexican for “We guarantee your cereal to be delightful in that savory extraordinary kind of way, or we’ll keep your money and pretend that the money got lost on its way back in the unreliable mail system which we use!”

Randum Bacon enables the impossible! With one serving of this remarkable food, the fat lady could sing! The sidewalk grew a toenail! The child listened to classical music! The pig flew . . . as the butcher demonstrated his mid-air slicing skills, then packaged the meat and shipped it to the market. (That’s why “This little piggy went to market.”)

We strongly encourage you to try a bowl of this cereal to become strong instantly! You’ll likely want more, but don’t mathematically find the chances, they might not be great. “Eat awesomer, live awesomer.” And each box comes with its own rubber bacon toy, so why wouldn’t you purchase this cereal? Go ahead, try it. Now. Right now.

Sticky notes. They stick. They're on walls. They're on doors. They're on bulletin boards, speared with pins. They're on televisions. They appear on your desk. They find their way to your pillow. They're in your pillow. There's one on your face. Kinda above your nose, but not.