Spiders

In case you don't know what a spider is, it's an eight-legged arachnid that usually has eight eyes. In case you don't know what an arachnid is, it's "any wingless, carnivorous arthropod of the class Arachnida, including spiders, scorpions, mites, ticks, and daddy-longlegs, having a body divided into two parts, the cephalothorax and the abdomen, and having eight appendages and no antennae. Compare insect." -* Kinda gross.

Spiders are creepy, crawly things that some people say are living beings, and they should be treated like people. If they're supposed to be treated like people, they would be people and wouldn't be small enough to flush into the Caverns of Waste that scientists found built underground.

Sometimes, spiders really are amazing! They can be written into books, directed into movies, and posted on blogs like this one! (But since you are reading about spiders on this blog, this blog doesn't have a life. Especially one of it's own. The authors channel the life from nature into the blog and now, if you stay on this page long enough, you will see some of the magic flowing out of the blog as a border, through your computer screen, and into wherever you are! If you're lucky, you can catch it, so read this blog a ton! An elephant easily weighs a couple tons. A spider does not weigh anything near a ton.)

When a spider is in a movie, it can write words! Words like "terrific!" Then it becomes famous. But more, it makes a pig famous. A very famous pig becomes famous. But it wasn't famous before he got famous. Before, some farmers wanted to make the pig ham and bacon for their Christmas feast! Some girl loved this pig, and didn't want to eat him (that's why you don't name the pig.) Then a spider comes to save him with Word Power!

Some Greek people thought spiders started when this Arachne lady loved to weave and all that stuff. She challenged Athena and either won or lost. Athena turned her into a spider so she could spin webs and make more spiders! Now we have gross webs and annoying little creatures that eat ladybugs.

Spiders like to gather around in a circle and dance. Then they find a secret hide-out in your water pipes. Then you find them. Then you get them out with their natural dreaded enemy: water (which is funny since they hide in water pipes.) Then they're gone, and they decide they don't want to come back. That's good, because you don't want them back, and they can't come back anyway.

Spiders are the size of smaller than dimes and things. They like to measure themselves on currency from around the world, then they spend it and buy a candy bar that will last them forever. And ever. And infinity. And beyond. With a candy bar.

Randum Truth: When your local grocery/convenience/everything/toy store tells you that "You've saved $500," they really mean "We've raised the price on everything to make you feel good! We've watched every move that you've made in this store, and we've counted the total amount that we charged you that we didn't really need to. You're happy about giving us $500!"

*Dictionary.com, an Ask.com service that they get paid for.

Famous People in Everyday Life

There are many famous people inside of the Earth's atmosphere. Most of the people on Earth are not famous, but lots are famous. Did I tell you that there are many famous people inside of the Earth's atmosphere?

Anyway, those famous people live lives that most non-famous people don't live. Although, most famous people still have to live normal lives for parts of their life. Either when their just not on set, or it's before and/or after they're famous, they still have to live the life that lots of un-famous people live.

Let's take the movie Twilight for example. There's Robert Pattinson, with his hair, and not to mention his muscles! He probably has a credit/card, I mean ALL movie stars have one so they can order five-dozen pies to not eat and say "Charge it to my card." They do love saying they have a "card."

When Rob came to the bank, he would say, "I'd like to apply for a Visa." The lady at the desk would hand him a paper and say "Fill out this form with your First Name, Last Name, Middle Name, Maiden Name, and if you are in any way associated with vampires!" Robert writes, "First Name: Edward, Last Name: Cullen, Middle Name: Anthony, Maiden Name (as the only space left for a name:) Masen, Associated with Vampires in Any Way: No."

Celebrities need insurance in case their set blows up. They go to the insurance company, and try to get someone's attention. (The boring people at the front desk of the insurance company don't ever look up since their so boring.) To get their attention, you have to say, "I'm looking to buy some insurance!" They say, "NAME!?" The celebrity says, "Why don't you look up and see?" They say, "NAME!?!?!?" "Buzz Lightyear," the celebrity announces, "STAR COMMAND!" Everyone in the room looks up and gasps, but not in a good kind of surprising way. Some kid yells, "You're old!" Buzz feels ashamed, and to make it worse, the lady at the desk says, "You're too old for Wrinkle Prevention Insurance."

There's Steve Carell, who occasionally has to eat, so he's either going to have to make it himself, have someone make it for him, or go to a restaurant (preferably a fancy restaurant, and I guess that falls under the category of "have someone make it for him." If he goes to a restaurant, he would get bugged by a ton of people for autographs and all, but he probably gets free meals each time he goes to a restaurant. I bet Steve can solve a Rubix Cube in under 30 seconds, especially if it's just one turn away from being solved.

There's Justin Bieber who can't take a step outside without getting crowded with little twelve-year-old girls. But as soon as he walks into a room with a ton of actual guys, he's not famous anymore. He would probably get insurance or a Visa just by walking within the state where the company is, as long as the people at the desk are women. If their men, then Justin can walk right in front of them and not be noticed.

Britney Spears used to seem amazing to everyone, and she didn't have to work at all to get anything and everything. But now, she's nothing. No one cares much about her. Her career is dead. So this proves that most famous people have to live normal lives at least once and a while.

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates are famous, although they don't live a life that we would call normal. It's normal for them, but to us, it's like living every dream you've ever dreamed of. But still, it's normal for them, so I prove my point.

You see, "normal" is a word that could mean anything. "Anything is possible," for instance, translates to, "Normal is possible," which is true. As long as it happened yesterday and last month, it's basically normal. Normal is cool. So is not normal. So lots of things are cool. But bad stuff is not cool. But normal is cool. And lots of things are cool. But normal is cool.

Randum Fact: Your mother's lucky numbers are 51, 17, 93, and 48.

Cement

Cement on it's own is quite boring. A lump. A gray lump. A gray lump of cement. Bored yet? But it can be fun! Just imagine yourself in a gray suit and tie, and the world around you is all business and gray and boring. Then all of the sudden, you're colorful. Then there's fireworks, and the color spreads into everything else. Soon the whole world is colorful and tie-dyed! The sidewalk can be painted, or dyed itself and you're walking next to mickey mouse! Oh yeah, score!

Cement can be used for exciting things also! It can be used as sidewalks, which exciting people walk on, or used as foundations of an exciting building, which exciting people will probably walk in. It can be used to create concrete, which is almost the same boring thing, except concrete is muscular.

Sometimes it's fun to play with Cement, because you can put your hand in it while it's drying, and leave a hand-print! You could sign your name, or put your face in it! (By the way, putting your face in it is a very bad idea.) If it's a new sidewalk, you can sign your initials in it while the construction workers aren't looking so all of the sudden you bought that road (since you're rich! That was easy, and probably illegal, wasn't it!)

Sure, cement can't create a rainbow all on it's own, but it be waiting at the end of the rainbow! It could be the pot that holds all of the gold! But still, cement is only helping make these amazing things. Usually, it's not something really cool on it's own, but if it is, somebody or something had to do that to it. So, still, cement is total nothingness. But if it was total nothingness it would turn into a black hole and suck the earth into it. That would be fun.

If somebody really did make the cement amazing, it would probably be a scientist. They would mix cement with DNA and do whatever so it grows into a living thing! Then you have a walking cement block. If you run a business that lays cement sidewalk, you could use The Living Cement as an advertisement! (Make sure you hire him while he's a kid, then you can get away with paying him minimum wage to advertise!) Then afterward you get some extra sales, and lay the cement, you can go celebrate with some Cafe Rio!

Cafe Rio

Cafe Rio is the wonder of all wonders! Their amazing food to their outstanding desserts causes joy in anyone and everyone's mouth!

Let's say you're hungry. You say "Yo, James, go make me a plate of them nachos!" James doesn't want to and never will want to make you some nachos. You're in the mood for something good, and you know you can't make anything good yourself. You also don't feel like it. It's not every day that you wake up with the willpower and cheese in your hand to make nachos!

It seems like no one is left in this world to make you a meal, especially not a good meal. But wait, there's Cafe Rio! You might even get a FREE meal! That never happens, but now it happens every day for lunch!

You suddenly stop watching that old television and say goodbye to those shows that you've seen every episode of a disproportionate number of times. (It would make anyone dizzy to think about that number, but chances are that if you're actually thinking about that number, you watch too much television also. If you watch too much TV, you don't care about too much anyway, so why think about numbers? See, you're even getting dizzy now.)

Luckily Cafe Rio has a cure to your dizziness! It's secretly, and legally, hidden into every bite of Cafe Rio food that you eat. It makes you happier than ever, and gives you the power to fly, and sleep on a cloud! You'd like that, so you might as well celebrate with some Cafe Rio food!

When you are finally able to stand up after blinking and realizing that your TV was never on anyway, you climb into your car. And guess what! When you drive to Cafe Rio, your car turns into a fancy convertible! Now you can show off your leftover chips and salsa when you drive home since you're too satisfied to finish.

You're listening to your GPS, that for a few seconds, looks like a nice Fire Grilled Steak Enchilada! Now your about a half mile from Cafe Rio, and your nose is already filled with delight from the scent of the spicy salsas, and their Famous Tortilla Soup!

You enter the doors of the cafe and run up to Cafe Rio's menu. Whoa, it looks like they had more food that you expected, and it all looks so good! It's so hard to choose just one thing! But you don't have to, you could pick more than one thing! You end up ordering a Fire Grilled Steak Tostada, a Pork Enchilada, chips and salsa, and some fresh guacamole!

You walk down the line, and finally realize that Cafe Rio makes everything right there, fresh, in front of your own very eyes! You can even watch them make their perfectly round tortillas!

You walk to a table with a full tray of delicious food. The experience has only started. You dig your fork deep into the meal, and you see fireworks. You hear music. You taste amazement. You feel the fork, and the urge to take another bite. All the sudden you see that you have finished half of your food, and realize that lots of time has passed. Your phone buzzes and tells you that you need to go buy that thing you wanted because that's the only chance your gonna have, but you think to yourself, Who needs anything else when you have Cafe Rio?

You eat a little bit more and you are satisfied. You leave while eating your minty candy. You drive off still thinking about how your food took you on a perfect roller-coaster ride.

Randum Advice: When it comes to choosing your hair style, human hair is preferred.

Mold.

If you speak Aragouhaytian, then you have probably never tasted a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. Unless you have. But usually you haven't. Otherwise, you have probably eaten a sandwich of some kind. PB&J used to FLABBERGAST you... the first two times you've ate one. After that, they got boring and tasted gross and you hated them.

Even when it seems that a PB&J can't get any better worse, it can. If your mom only makes you a PB&J for lunch, then I would suggest you make your own lunch. If you're too lazy, then you are probably going to leave the sandwich and skip lunch. Eventually your sandwich will get moldy! It's going to become hairy and turn colors, but that's cool! You're going to want to join the festivities and touch the sandwich. You're going to think "whoa, it's so fuzzy and I wanna eat it now!" But that isn't a good idea, for the colored hair (called mold) will grow inside your stomach. It will double, then triple, and you will grow a juniper bonsai tree inside your stomach. Then you turn Chinese (and if you're already Chinese, you'll either become more Chinese, or you'll become Japanese er somethin'.)

Have you ever had rhubarb? How about rhubarb pie, with strawberries? It's always really good! Rhubarb, when used correctly, makes things so much better! It's like sweet & sour celery, except better! Red, green, sweet, sour, chewy, crunchy, yum!

Rhubarb is best when it's fresh, because after a while, it will grow a colorful beard and handlebar mustache. This is a problem because rhubarb can't shave, and the poisonous leaf hair is already too much.

Moldy rhubarb could make you sick, for it will grow a rhubarb bush in your lungs. You'll be breathing the rhuBarbie Theme Song Parody for a decade!

Some people will try to freak you out by saying that when you eat watermelon seeds, then you'll grow a watermelon inside your stomach. That statement is not true at all! If it's a moldy watermelon seed, then you WILL grow a watermelon inside your stomach. Growing a watermelon in your stomach is actually good! I would even recommend that you grow threewatermelons, for then you would not have to eat for three days! You'd be set with healthy food that you would never have to taste!

If a three year old ever takes you to their "dungeon" under the stairs, then demand a slice of watermelon as your last wish. The kid will lock you there and forget about you, but you can eat the watermelon to survive! Then you'll also have the seeds growing inside of you after you have ran out of this red melon fruit. A watermelon usually contains about 6-thousand-bajillion-zillion seeds, so you will feel healthy for, well, forever! Unluckily, you don't get to try it out, because after a few minutes when the kid's mom realizes that her prize watermelon is missing she'll go looking for the kid. Then she will ask where you are, and the kid starts crying and tells his mom where you are. Afterward, she unlocks the door and you have to watch football since the kid is in time-out.

At the end of the day, you look back at what happened, and you realize that watermelons can take you back in history to the time when Abraham Lincoln ate the first hot dog in America. Then you realize that's the time when Walt Disney started to create Disney, and he made Mickey Mouse say "Hot Dog!" as a catch phrase.

Randum DUH of the Day: You'll never see a spider walk or run. You can only see it waltz the Tomautoe.

The Zoo

Have you ever been to the zoo? Have you ever been to the zoo, in space? Aliens, like us, have to have fun sometimes (or more!) When you travel on a tour through Outer Space, you'll pass some very unique places! Some of these are the alien zoos, with lots of exotic creatures.

Most of the zoos on Earth will have a lot of creatures from around the world. That includes monkeys, parrots, lions, penguins, bears, snakes, fish, giraffes, hippos, zebras, tigers, squirrels, cows, elephants, sheep, owls, flamingos, cheetahs, lizards, lemurs, black-footed ferrets, octopus, pandas, strawberry dart frogs, golden lion tamarins, orangutans, gharial, gorillas, pygmy hippos, capybara, wolves, seriemas, hummingbirds, red head ducks, marabou stork, gray seals, Caribbean sea star, red-crowned cranes, orangutans, bald eagles, american beavers, black-tailed prairie dogs, blue jays, and many more (even though that doesn't seem possible!)

When aliens saw humans creating the first zoos, they were jealous. Very jealous. Extremely jealous. Alien jealous (and that's really jealous!) They started to make their own zoos in Outer Space, but they mutated Earth animals and used them as their own. Now there's the real zoo animals on Earth, and the fake ones.

Some of the fake animals are mutated birds, mutated butterflies, mutated squirrels, and camelons. You may be wondering what a camelon is. A camelon is a camel who ate a very large melon. The camel becomes so fat that it creates a whole new species, the camelons!When the first few were created, a storm started. It rained llamas! They fell so fast that when they hit the camelons, there was such an impact that the DNA mixed! Aliens abducted the camelons so humans couldn't use them as their own, but left the llamas since they became so ugly after camelons got the good looks in the DNA mix. Now we have ugly llamas while aliens have camelons (which got the fat DNA, haha, they lose.)

And now that humans have defeated those aliens, we can say "Tune in next time for Battle of the Camelon!"

Randum Quote: "A moose can run, but it could never gallop!" -Nobody in particular

Some images and parts of the text are based off of nationalzoo.si.edu.

Miracle Whip / Mayo

For many years, humans, mangoes, and creatures of all kinds have argued about which is better: Miracle Whip or Mayonnaise. Some people said the original Mayo is best, but some love mayo with everything else. Some people love the mayo flavored... better or worse than the normal.

"Mayonnaise is an emulsion of oil droplets suspended in a base composed of egg yolk, lemon juice or vinegar, water, and often mustard, which provides both flavor and stabilizing particles and carbohydrates."^[1] (It's mostly just raw egg yolks, oil, lemon juice or vinegar, and a few spices) So why would anyone want to eat it anyway? If you don't know what's in it, it's pretty good, (not on its own, but when it's delicately spread upon something.)

Miracle Whip used to be a salad dressing, and Kraft promised to make the world a better place by making a miracle salad dressing to put on and in your salads. But who eats salads anyway? Kraft just makes a cheaper mayo with more spices and sugar (and that's mainly the only difference.)

There is still the competition though: mayo is REAL and ORIGINAL, while Miracle Whip is ORIGINAL mayo with sugar and spice and everything nice. It's also new, so girls seem to like Miracle Whip a lot better than mayo. Guys like Miracle Whip also.

Just imagine combining mayo and Miracle Whip! It might be called Diluted Whip! But it may be better diluted and carbonated. Now it's time to imagine: bubbly, sweetened mayo! That sounds good, doesn't it?

You make the decision. Do you like mayo or Miracle Whip best? The question really is: Would you rather eat oil and raw eggs, or oil and raw eggs with sugar? The answer is obvious, just think about the dancing taste buds of your inner self. If you make the wrong decision, it could cause these dancers to stop dancing! And that would be tragic!

Randum (not so) Fact: Some mustards are named after babies.

^[1]On Food and Cooking, Harold McGee, Scribner, New York, 2004 page 633.