My Lungs

I had a wart in my lung. So I went to the hospital, and they cut open my chest pulled out my lung. Then they let me squeeze out the wart! Then they stuffed it mack inside, gave me a bandaid and I was all better!

Weight Loss

Being in this time period, people get fat. This is because of fast-food restaurants (except for McDonald's, kind of,) people sitting on the couch watching TV all day, and everyone just plain being lazy. Three-thousand years ago, people used to be able to visit a Carl's Jr and get healthier, but ever since the world improved food, people have just been getting lazy. This laziness turns into a wave, just like sound, light, and melted peanut butter, and spreads throughout the world. It uses it's Superman power to buzz through walls and zap whoever it can get to first with it's unnoticeable buzz. Soon that person falls under the spell of laziness, takes a journey through the remarkable strawberry, and wakes up on the couch screaming. Actually, that's exaggerating a little bit. They really just wake up sipping nothing out of a soda can, realizing that they already drank the drink.

Once you're already lazy and maybe overweight, there's a few ways that people try to fix it. Some people like to drink weight-loss milkshakes, like the chocolate or strawberry kind. Others like to drink cough syrup. Some people just "weight" for it to go away. Get it? It was a pun! A very punny pun!

Those solutions don't actually work. They are just ways to fill up ad time on TV channels, make yourself think that you feel lighter (especially the cough syrup), and cheat people into wasting money for the genius that came up with the idea of cheating people into wasting their money.

The real way to lose weight is the "Randum Jonny Lose-Weight-Quick Theory"! It's really not a theory, but some scientists say it can only be a theory because it cannot be proven. Whatever, scientists.

Randum Jonny Lose-Weight-Quick Theory

All you gotta do is tell other people that they look skinny and amazing! Then karma will catch up to you, and you'll be skinny and healthy! It's "not proven" but it's been tested by Randum specialists! Try it, it works! Good luck!

Shoes

You'll see shoes on just about everyone. Shoes are one of the few things that people will wear on their feet. The other two are socks, and some crazy people will wear giant acorns on their feet.

There's a variety of shoes: tennis shoes, boots, heelys, and all them. Some things are more for certain tasks, like you wear roller blades while you're climbing up a stack of chairs to change a light bulb. There's shoes for flying a helicopter, doing your homework, and building catapults.

Make sure you have the right shoe for whatever you're doing, because it would be bad to only have the left shoe. In case you wake up in the morning, go to work, and realize that you forgot your shoes, you can usually just visit your local donut shop. They'll have emergency shoes for you at the counter, right next to the chocolate milk.

Shoes have rubber soles on the bottom. That's for the reason that when the sun makes the ground so hot, you need a horrible smell to keep your mind off of the heat. It's a great invention!

Back when Albert Shoestein was coming up with the blueprints for the shoe, he discovered the need for a super spy weapons built into all shoes. It was called the shoelace. It's designed to keep your shoe tight around your foot. Then, randomly mid-walk, it shoots out the side of the shoe and is supposed to trip the enemy. Shoe companies didn't see the genius, and they couldn't understand how to make it work. They got as close as they could to the theory, and it works enough to trip the person who wears the shoe. Now, everybody's forgotten about the idea, and they make shoes with zippers and velcrow. Shoe companies think they're smarter than ancient minds...

A long time ago (before Albert Shoestein,) nobody had shoes. They just wore "duct tape footwear" on they're feet. The rich would wear socks, but that was just about all they had. It's pretty sad. Now shoes are just normal. Everybody wears them! Only some have found out how to rig their shoes with weapons. The rest have lights, pennies, 32GB storage chips, and shoelaces. It's pretty cool.

Randum Advice

Always keep a spare chipmunk claw in your eye socket. It's to, uh, help keep your eye in it's, um, socket.

Randum Fact

The current date and time is: 1-1-11, 1:11:11

NINJA!

There is one type of human that can do special things. They're almost not human. They're more like... NINJAS! In fact, they are NINJAS!!

A NINJA blends in with the night smacking innocent victims with they're "nunchucks," (dynamite on a chain,) and knocking out evil emperor's. They train with the Sensei, slowly working up to that rare rank that can wear a mask. A NINJA is usually identified by they're black mask and dark clothes, and since most can't wear them, you don't usually see a NINJA walking around town.

One of a NINJA's favorite fatal weapons is their NINJA Star! They use they're excellent origami skills to fold a single sheet of paper into a shining, pointed weapon! With one easy throw, a NINJA can knock out a dangerous, powerful person!

A NINJA can sneak through the night with nobody noticing or suspecting. They can alter nature to bend to their will, and use ancient magic to slip past guards.

A NINJA might use a sai or a katana as a mirror to look at itself. They need to make sure that nobody can see them, or the whole NINJA-ness effect goes away. When looking at they're reflection, a NINJA can see how invisible they are. If they can see a general outline of themselves, they aren't NINJA enough and they get fired and they become a poor Japanese merchant. If they can't see themselves, but they remember they are there, they get ranked down to a floor-mop, or sometimes a squirrel tail! If they can't see themselves in the reflection, and they forget they are even there, they also can't remember what they're doing and just decide to continue with the mission. Later they will remember they need to check they're NINJA level, not knowing they already did. This way, they keep a constant NINJA attitude in their souls, where the NINJA power comes from!

NINJAS have to keep a strict diet if they wish to keep they're NINJA power. They must only eat sugar-cookies, and only drink Coke. They need to stay hyper, or they won't be able to make they're super jumps and whatnot! After being dubbed by their area's Head NINJA, they gain their powers. One of their powers allows them to change form, for multiple reasons: one of which is to avoid getting fat from their diet.

After learning from experience, NINJAS dominate!

Santa Claus on Christmas

Christmas is that one time of year when children all over the world are flooded with gifts from Santa. It's a time that we come together with family and be grateful for everything, especially candy. Some people will call Christmas "Xmas," but that's mostly because some people just can't spell. In the end, there's still the family and symbols of Christmas which make Christmas what it is.

Santa Claus, who lives at the North Pole, delivers gifts to all the Children of the world. Sometimes, coincidently, a "Free Dinner for Two," might end up under the tree with the parent's names on it, but the parents don't understand that the present was never meant for them. The child should get the free dinner for two. Besides, a growing boy or girl can eat two meals at once anyway.

To even be able to deliver gifts around the world, Santa needs a sleigh! He orders his vehicle on eBay, and it ships from Christmas Sleighs for an Unspecific Individual, Inc. in Canada! Since it's so close, it ships right then, and the magic gets it to the North Pole in just a few seconds!

On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Claus sends Santa on his epic journey that he makes every year, but makes sure he's got a plate of cookies so he doesn't get hungry on his way! What Mrs. Claus doesn't know is that lots of other people leave cookies and milk out for him when he delivers their gifts. Santa eats all the cookies except for Mrs. Claus. She doesn't know that though, because after Santa finished his job, he flies home yelling, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" which is a distraction while he dumps the cookies overboard. He eats too many of those at home.

As Santa visits each house he jumps down their chimney. If they don't have a chimney, he makes one! After all, he's got magic! He squeezes down the brick, wishing he'd gone on a diet because he can't fit, and he lands in the fireplace! Sometimes robbers try to get into houses on Christmas to steal valuables by impersonating Santa and jumping down their chimney, so most people light their fireplace on Christmas Eve so that doesn't happen. The real Santa can still get in because he has fire retardant pants.

As Mr. Claus dumps presents out of his magical bag and arranges them under the trees, he needs to fill the stockings! He opens the socks and puts candy in them. In some countries, the population finds it strange to receive toys from their socks, so they set out their shoes! Too bad a laptop can't fit in a shoe; Santa just keeps those for himself.

After Christmas Eve, Santa Claus flies home with his reindeer. He usually is running late, and he can't have the children wake up to see him! He threatens to turn Rudolph into jerky unless he can make them go faster, and that suddenly makes them disappear into thin, not to mention cold, air. In the morning, nobody sees Santa Claus, but they always love what he left them!

Mrs. Claus and Santa Claus are the first ones to celebrate Christmas, then the whole world follows, and everyone is friendly—except for those robbers who find themselves burning in a fireplace like the Big, Bad Wolf. Other than them, everybody is happy on Christmas. If you have a fireplace burning on Christmas Eve this year, you might smell smoked turkey in the morning! It will complete the holiday.